The Lighter Side of Gambling

With all the hustle and bustle of the Holiday Season, here is some humor to lighten the stress.

A Man Wins the Lottery rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!”
Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.

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Wife 1 – “My husband’s going to a casino in central Asia.”
Wife 2 – “Tibet?”
Wife 1 – “Of course, why else would he go!”

How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?  Pay him for the pizza.

img_0155A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the blackjack dealer.  The BJ player said, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the blackjack dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the blackjack dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?”  The blackjack dealer said, “When you eat out do you tip the waiter?” … “Yes” replied the player.  “Well then, he serves you food at dinner; I’m serving you cards at blackjack, so you should tip me.”  “Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. So I’ll take an eight!”

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. – Comedian Steven Wright

There’s the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, “I bet you wouldn’t marry me.” The story goes that she not only called his bet but she raised him five!

thDid you hear about the new 3 million dollar State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

The best bet for a player to make is what is called a “Mind Bet” You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.

(From “Cheers”) SAM:”What’ll you have, Normie?” NORM:”Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.” SAM:”Looks like beer, Norm.” NORM:”Call me Mister Lucky.”

Dog Poker – A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!”  The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”img_0156

And finally – Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to swear?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

As the craziness of the season continues, we at NETG hope the preparations for your Holiday Celebrations go as planned.

Binbin

The Casino – A Zoo Full of Slot Vultures

A Casino or Wildlife Preserve?

Ever look at the casino as a wild life preserve?  It can seem to be very similar. There are many different kinds of wild life in the casino preserve like:

  • The Blackjack Hoot Owl (Tells you the best way to play, whether you want to hear it or not)
  • The Slot Crow (Always complains loudly about the tightness of machines and how they never win)
  • The Strategy Dodo (doesn’t know how, doesn’t care to know how, and wants you to stop everything to lead them through whatever game it is they’re playing)

In the slot machine exhibit,there are many different species of slot players.  Some are quiet and keep to themselves.  Others expect everyone around them to be social, sharing their legendary wins, their misinformed superstitions, and giving their unasked for advice.

But one is genus in the slot exhibit is considered the most annoying and rude of all of them – the SLOT VULTURE, or the Scientific name “Aegypius Monachus Unum Armate Apparatus.” (Latin for ‘One Arm Machine Vulture’)

senior-playing-slots

The elderly can be easy prey for the “Slot Vulture”

Anyone can see them, they are easy to detect, especially if your are in the slot machine pits. It only takes a  few minutes for the most aware casino visitor to notice them – circling around certain machines.

They seem to cunning and sly, but it’s easy to know what there intention is – THEY WANT YOUR MACHINE!

Maybe it’s their favorite, or maybe the limit progressive is getting close to the “must pay by” jackpot. Either way, I like to outwit the slot vultures around me. I try teasing them, like:

  1. making them think I was leaving, but, oops, just stretching.
  2. checking my wallet or email – EVERY TIME MY CREDITS WERE LOW.
  3. acting like I was calling someone to ask them to bring more money

Yes, the slot Human Slot Vulture is a conniving, rude and annoying animal, yet quite naive since we are quite aware of them and understand their animal-like intentions. Their normal habitat can be found in the slot machine area of any casino.

The following comparison is inspired by “Wild Birds Expert” Melissa Mayntz article “20 Fun Facts and Trivia About Vultures” found in Birding/Wild Birds Expert at About.com.  Notice the resemblances of the two species.

Territorial - "I am playing all these Machines!"

Territorial – “I am playing all these Machines!”

Fact 1. Vultures are relatively social roost in large flocks. Human vultures however are content to hunt alone or in very small groups, since they are very territorial once they sit down

Fact 2. Vultures prefer fresh meat but are able to consume carcasses that may have rotted so much as to be dangerous for other animals.  Human Vultures prefer fresh meat as well – we all know that the last human slot player made their new prey available and ready to eat, I mean Slot Machine and “DUE to hit.”

images (3)Fact 3. Vultures have excellent senses of sight and smell to help them locate food, as do the human variety.  Human vultures have keen eyesight to view slot players leaving seats even before the previous slot player has actually “vacated” the seat. This makes them much fun to play with by faking them out repeatedly.

downloadFact 4. Vultures have bare heads, often bare necks and relatively weak legs and feet. This similarity could explain the fact that less slot players are millennials and most slot players are “boomers” and older.

Fact 5. It is a myth that vultures actually circle dying animals waiting to feed. These birds are powerful fliers and will soar on thermals while they look for food, but when they locate a carcass, they will approach it quickly to begin feeding before other predators find it.  However, the human species tends to hover, and watch, even before the carcass, or player’s session, is dead – often feigning interest in their play to get in position to pounce on the next empty seat.

Now for the weirdest of all, and probably the most shocking:

Fact 6. Vultures urinate on their legs and feet to help cool off on hot days.  Did you know that most Las Vegas casinos have employees clean the seats in the early morning for this same reason!

Luckily, the human species won’t hurt you.  They usually just move on to their next possible conquest.

Share your annoying slot machine experience with NETimeGambling. Send us your story at 

NETimeGambling.com

Have a great session, but be careful – it’s like a zoo in there!

Binbin

(Please enjoy one of my most read rants “Stupid Human Tricks” here.  Sometimes I can’t help myself.  But as Tim Dressen in his book “Outsiders Guide to Las Vegas”) reminded me, “It’s my Blog, so I can post my opinion if I want to!” )

 

 

Casino Gambling Challenge – How Much Slang Do You Really Know

7525251_origSo, you say you’re a knowledgeable gambler?  Well, I have found 20 slang words used in the casino by players, dealers, and pit bosses – some simple, some rather esoteric. Let’s see what you know.  I dare you to take this challenge and comment to us at NETime Gambling on how well you did.

imageAnswers Tomorrow at 1:00pm, EST.  I made it easy – matching!  But, there are more answers than questions, so make sure you check all possible answers A-Z.

Note – it’s easier to take the Challenge on a tablet, or at the website NE Time.com.

_____1. an Ante         A. a bet in poker placed before player sees any of his cards.

_____2.an Arm          B. a player who is skillful in throwing the dice 

_____3.The Blind      C. casino lingo for 10 dollar bet.

_____4.a Buck            D. a forgotten table bet originally wagered by the player.

_____5.a Copy            E.to be broke or totally out of money

_____6.Down to the Felt     F.a Video Lottery Terminal

_____7.Grease           G.losing player

_____8.a Mechanic   H.a bribe

_____9.Barber Pole   I. a bet required to start at hand in card games.

_____10.a Bug              J.refers to a $100 bet

_____11.Cracking the Nut   K. a slang word for a dealer who cheats

_____12. a Fish             L. a drunk player.    

_____13.a George         M.sign above roulette table showing previous wins

_____14. Martingale    N. a net profit after all gambling expenses deducted.

_____15. a Pidgeon       O. more than one denomination/color in a stack of chips

_____16.a Railbird        P. the Joker card.

_____17.Spinner           Q. term for a winning session

_____18.a Tom              R. a generous tipper to table dealers 

_____19.a Skin or Skoon     S. an observer who hangs around a gaming table

_____20.a Ploppy         T. a player who is not knowledgeable about the games.

U. a wagering system where the player doubles up after every loss.

V. irritating player who has high expectations for casino comps and benefits while not deserved.        

W.a non-tipper.        X.a single dollar.        

Y. means a player and a banker have a similar two-card or  five-card hand especially in Pai Gow poker.

Z. a newer player who is not practicing sound strategy nor making correct decisions, however is not above coaching other players about what they should do