Stupid Human Casino Etiquette Tricks – Humorous or Down Right Sad

“You Can’t Fix Stupid!” – Ron White, Comedian
Even though this member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour may be correct, I will try to reach out and maybe bring awareness to Stupid and Inconsiderate Human Tricks in the casino.  Get your imagination ready…..

Sometimes, humans in a Casino transcend past the line of good/bad manners and into the the realm of

(cue echo) Sheer Stupidity, Stupidity, Stupidity, Stupidity…..

For them, it’s a different reality. It’s a light-speed dash to an entirely different planet, in a galaxy far beyond our imagination (cue music from “Star Wars” or even “Twilight Zone”) – it’s a planet called “Stupidus Horendus.”

Ok, so, we’ve all probably been there at least once, probably more often than we would like to admit. Luckily, we make it back to Earth, hopefully safe and unscathed!

The following are some of those parallel universe experiences we see and unfortunately rub elbows with – figuratively AND literally.

First, it is improper to count your money out in the open. Not only that, but it’s just plain stupid. If you are so naive that you think everyone is wrapped up in their own fun not watching you, then you have just visited “Stupidus Horendus.” There are people that visit casinos to steal, not gamble. Be humble about your winnings or bankroll – it’ll keep you safe and not alienate people around you (get-it? alienate? different planet?) . Casino etiquette would have you take your money up to your room, or into a stall in the bathroom to count it.  Wherever the place is, don’t broadcast your win!

Those that have lived by casino etiquette for years know that there are cameras all over the place in a casino. They laugh at those fools that think that it is necessary to point out every camera in the place. Plus, casino security might wonder why you are doing this as well. Do you want them thinking that you have something to hide?

If you see a seat leaning up against a slot machine, leave that machine alone. This is done if a person needs to leave the slot machine for a few minutes and they feel that it has been lucky for them. However, if you don’t have someone who you know watching it for you, I wouldn’t do this myself – don’t trust this long tradition of holding your seat in today’s casinos. The clientele of today’s casinos have not grown up with these things. It’s the cynic in me that says “you shouldn’t do this anymore,” but, I still think it’s stupid to be so naive in today’s casino environment.

If you’re going to lunch or to play another game, free up your spot. If you’re going to be gone for more than a few minutes, it’s not fair to other players or to the casino to tie up the game. And, for goodness sake, don’t do the chair trick.

By the way, don’t pressure someone around you to watch your machine. It’s presumptuous to think that they should do that for you. It tends to keep a person there longer then they usually want to be and you don’t even know them! Leave them alone!  (But I digress…)

Yeah – free drinks! Who doesn’t like free drinks? But drinking to excess while gambling is just another trip to Stupidville. Please don’t let me go into the well-known effects of alcohol on human decision-making! Monitor your alcoholic beverages before it’s too late and your money is gone after more than expected runs to the ATM, you can’t find your car (or the doorway to the parking garage) and you’ve just left your fly down for two full hours!

Very important – don’t drive away from the casino unless you’re sober. You’re Stupidity of drinking intoxicated could harm or kill someone.

Finally, stupid and annoying machine tricks:

  • Rubbing the screen of the slot for luck – how many people do you think have already touched that screen with dirty, germy hands? Google “Random Number Generator (RNG) – it might save you from certain health problems
  • Rubbing the machine to make friends – REALLY? If you want a positive relationship, go home to your spouse and kids.
  • Believing that a machine is “hot” or “cold.” Again, google RNG.
  • Telling people that you “just played that machine, and it didn’t hit anything. It must be a tight machine.” See previous sentences.
  • Taking your players card out and then in to change your luck. Aaaaaaaah – stupid, stupid, stupid. All your card does is collect data such as time played, denomination played, and accumulation of points. Really, you’re not tricking the machine nor the casino!
  • Give ignorant information as if you are an “expert.” I had one lady tell me, unsolicited of course, that I needed to play my machine at the $.50 denomination, because after playing it herself, that’s what she found it was programmed at. She also told me that ALL slots are programmed to hit better at certain bet amounts. So, once you find out if it hits at $.50, $1.00, etc, you can play professionally. Obviously, she was a native from the planet.

That’s all for now. Be considerate and aware of those around you, and don’t fly away to the planet Stupidus Horendus – you never know who else you’ll find there, or if you may ever come back!

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