Have you ever watched people who play slots – I mean really observed them? There are many different species, but one is considered the most annoying and rude of all of them – the SLOT VULTURE, or the Scientific name “Aegypius Monachus Unum Armate Apparatus.” (Latin for ‘One Arm Machine Vulture’)
After visiting my local casino for a few hours, I noticed them – circling around certain machines. They reminded me of other human gambling species:
- The Blackjack Hoot Owl (Tells you the best way to play, whether you want to hear it or not)
- The Slot Crow (Always complains loudly about the tightness of machines and how they never win)
- The Gambling Dodo (doesn’t know how, doesn’t care to know how, and wants you to stop everything to lead them through whatever game it is they’re playing)
Please enjoy one of my most read rants “Stupid Human Tricks” here. Sometimes I can’t help myself. But as my Minnesotan friend Tim Dressen reminded me, “It’s my Blog, so I can post my opinion if I want to!” (Read about his book “Outsiders Guide to Las Vegas”)
I don’t know what was more fun – playing this new slot machine for 3 hours on only $50, or outwitting the vultures around me, like:
- making them think I was leaving, but, oops, just stretching.
- checking my wallet or email – EVERY TIME MY CREDITS WERE LOW.
- acting like I was calling someone to ask them to bring more money
Yes, the slot Human Slot Vulture is a conniving, rude and annoying animal, yet quite naive since we are quite aware of them and understand their animal-like intentions. Their normal habitat can be found in the slot machine area of any casino.
The following comparison is inspired by “Wild Birds Expert” Melissa Mayntz article “20 Fun Facts and Trivia About Vultures” found in Birding/Wild Birds Expert at About.com. See if you see the resemblances.
Fact 1. Vultures are relatively social roost in large flocks. Human vultures however are content to hunt alone or in very small groups, since they are very territorial once they sit down
Fact 2. Vultures prefer fresh meat but are able to consume carcasses that may have rotted so much as to be dangerous for other animals. Human Vultures prefer fresh meat as well – we all know that the last human slot player made their new prey, I mean Slot Machine “DUE.”
Fact 3. Vultures have excellent senses of sight and smell to help them locate food, as do the human variety. Human vultures have keen eyesight to view slot players leaving seats even before the previous slot player has actually “vacated” the seat. This makes them much fun to play with by faking them out repeatedly.
Fact 4. Vultures have bare heads, often bare necks and relatively weak legs and feet. This similarity could explain the fact that less slot players are millennials and most slot players are “boomers” and older.
Fact 5. It is a myth that vultures actually circle dying animals waiting to feed. These birds are powerful fliers and will soar on thermals while they look for food, but when they locate a carcass, they will approach it quickly to begin feeding before other predators find it. The human species tends to hover, and watch, even before the carcass, or player’s session, is dead – often feigning interest in their play to get in position to pounce on the next empty seat.
Fact 6. Vultures urinate on their legs and feet to help cool off on hot days. Did you know that most Las Vegas casinos have employees clean the seats in the early morning for this same reason!
Luckily, the human species won’t hurt you. They’re just too stupid to know better.
Have you an annoying slot machine experience with other players? Let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org
Have a great seesion, but be careful – it’s like a zoo in there!